I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
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Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
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"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize