Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am available for nakedness
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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