my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
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I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
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As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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