Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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