I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
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As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
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I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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