Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
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He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
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Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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