there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
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Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
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I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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