I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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