How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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