I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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