dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
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I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize