so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
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I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
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I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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