She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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