A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
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Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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I just want cinnabon and vodka.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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