i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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