I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
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i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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