He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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