This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
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Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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