I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
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Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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