Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
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the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
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