I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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