Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize