I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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