I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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