Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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