if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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