god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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