You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize