cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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