saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
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I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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