Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
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also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
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You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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