Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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