I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
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she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
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My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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