Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
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Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
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Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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