Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
