Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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