I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
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The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
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Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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