So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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