If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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