we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I will be naked everywhere
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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