What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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