you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize