see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
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You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
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Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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