rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
