do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
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I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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