you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
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I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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