I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
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The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
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FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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