I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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