someone threw a dead crab at me
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize