He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
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For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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